Concluded

            Popular television series have glued-to-your -seats season ending finales. Think 24, Damages… or Deadwood. This is not one of those. This finale is more of a sigh than a denouement. It is merely an ending and a tepid one, at that.

            As you recall…you do recall, don’t you? Hello? Country western singer Proberta Gerber turned up missing. Of course, if one “turns up”, they are not technically missing. But this chick, week after week, failed to materialize. Private Eye Grimes Arbuckle was hired by guardians of the Whompdocker and Humdinger Diamond Cartel to find the songbird who was destined to inherit the whole enchilada. During his hunt, Grimes met and questioned characters such as shyster lawyer Maxwell Williams and his hired gun Henly Hornbrook, secretary Adin Lookout,  matron Crescent Mills, Zamora Esparto, Buttonwillow McKendrick, Chico Anderson, Chester Redding , Cummings Skyway and Quincy Davis, to name a few.

             Discerning readers might reason these names were merely towns in close proximity to one another…and would not only relish the possibilities…but submit names of their own.  A few wits joined in initially, but then the game cooled, the recession warmed and we all had other fish to fry.

            So, to bring the series to a merciful close, Grimes has tracked down the singer to the Tehama County Fairgrounds, and a makeshift stage on the north side of the arena, in the process of being groomed for the 88^th running of the famous Red Bluff Roundup. As the final scene opens, Grimes is standing stage right and Ms Gerber is warbling “When It’s Roundup Time in Texas”, not knowing the words to “When It’s Roundup Time in Red Bluff”. As a small crowd of rapt manure rakers listen intently, Grimes speaks. Listen!

Grimes: “Hullo!”

Proberta Gerber stops in mid song and turns to the handsome but cross eyed stranger and says, “Hullo, yourself. Who are you? What’s your handle, heavy?”

Grimes: “Arbuckle.”

Proberta: “Hah! That’s rich! Are you one of those ” Arbuckle and no cattle?”

Grimes: “Enjoy yourself, kid. I’ve got a job to do. I’m supposed to find you and haul your butt back to the Diamond Cartel. There are a few bucks in it for me if I deliver you safe and sound. You get it?”

Proberta: “Get this!”

Grimes: ” Why you…!”

Grimes was about to deck the songbird for making an obscene gesture, but then remembered the code of the Private Eye: You may hit on a lady…but never hit a lady.

Grimes: ” I must be losing my grip. You made me lose my temper. Nobody has done that in a long time. You’re some dame, you are. What’s your real name?”

Proberta: “Well, seeing you ask, it’s Brigid  O’Shaugnessy.”

Grimes: “I don’t think so…”

Proberta:  ”Very well. My name is Stella Dallas. No…wait…I’ve had so many aliases lately…uh, it’s Ammonia Kravatz.  Ah, Effie Perrine? Wait…Nancy Palooka…I mean Pelosi. Sorry…maybe Ursula Undress? Or Hannah and her Sisters Montana? Wait. It’s just…Mary Smith. Yes, that’s it. It’s Mary…”

Grimes:  ”…and a grand old name it ‘tis. I’ll buy that. But now, pack your bags, Mary, I’m taking you back to the Cartel…”

Mary: “Hokay, but first I must stop by a little single wide in Proberta. I stay there from time to time. An Assemblyman claims it as his primary residence.”

            Grimes raises an eyebrow, but agrees, and the two climb into his ‘47 Huff, to toodle on down to Proberta…and into history.

            Not much of a conclusion, but then it is free…and, as you know, the best things in life are free.

                                         -30-

            A disgruntled, distrustful, disingenuous, disdainful and, on occasion, disarming…but never discouraged Private Eye Grimes Arbuckle, drives slowly into the parking area of the Tehama County Fairgrounds and Mosquito Abatement Center, and parks his 47′ Huff in the shade of an Oleander bush. It is late on a warm April afternoon which could also be described as a warm afternoon in April. Whatever.

             The trail has grown hot, then cold, now tepid in the P.I.’s arduous search for  country western diva Proberta Gerber. But now, via a hot tip from the smoothie maker at the Lil’ Orphan Annie Coffee Kiosk, he plans to stake out the fairgrounds until Great Birnam Wood comes to Dunsinane…or the upcoming Red Bluff Roundup begins its annual run…whichever comes first.

            Entering the fairgrounds arena area, disguised as an itinerant leaf blower, Grimes locates the bandstand and sidles up to it in time to hear a country western band, “The Dead Clintons” warming up. The band starts and stops several times until an attractive but overweight blond in bib overalls and do rag sings along with the band as they play “Oklahoma Hills”. Listen!

Blond in bibs: “Way down yonder in the Indian Nation, cowgirl’s life is my occupation, Oklahoma Hills where I was born…”

            The lead guitarist Billy Bob Ray Earl stops playing and says:

Billy Bob: “Mighty sweet, little lady. You sure can sing for …”

Blond: “Yes, I know. ”

Billy Bob: “What’s your name, little lady?

Blond: “Sue.”

Billy Bob: “Sue?”

Blond: “Si.”

Billy Bob: ” A mighty pretty name for a mighty pretty lady. I think I will call you

            ‘Sweet Sue’. What do you think of that?”

Blond:  ”As long as you call me to dinner, I don’t give no never mind. Hand me

            that twinkie over there on the table, will you?”

            As this bit of banter is going on, Grimes Arbuckle is hovering and taking notes.  He suspects this canary is not a “Sue” but his elusive quarry Proberta Gerber.

            Will he confront the buxom singer with her real name? Will he have to deal with the now infatuated Billy Bob Ray Earl? Tune in next Friday for the final episode of “OUR STORY SO FAR”.

            Private Eye Grimes Arbuckle has been searching for missing country western singer Proberta Gerber. The trail had been colder than a loan officer’s heart, but recently turned hotter than McDonald’s coffee before the law suit.  As the scene opens, Grimes is driving up Interstate 5 in a Huff…a 1947 Huff, and is talking  to himself regarding the twists and turns of this tepid tale, as the music of Guy Lombardo and his Royal Canadians blares from his Motorola. Listen as Grimes mutters…

Grimes: “Drat! I haven’t slept for days since I’ve been on the hunt for the songbird. I should be in another line of work…maybe work for a collection agency…or maybe as a bouncer in a massage parlor…perhaps on a crab boat in the frigid waters off Alaska…or in a ‘How to do it’ film running  an earth worm farm. I don’t know …I’m getting rummy and hallucinating. Better pull off and get a Cup of Joe.”

            The P.I. pulls off the Interstate and parks at a little bistro called “THE SPOT”. He strides through the door, plops on a stool and orders a Cup of Joe. The bartender speaks. Listen…again…

Bartender: “What will it be, big fellow?”

Grimes: “Give me a Cup of Joe.”

Bartender: “How’s that again? Joe? Ain’t no Joe here. My name is Alice.”

Grimes: “I thought you didn’t live here anymore….never mind. Coffee. Coffee is what I need…and some information. Does the name ‘Proberta Gerber’ mean anything to you?”

Alice: Yeah. You’re sitting in the first part and behind you is the second part.”

Grimes: (becoming animated) “What? You mean…?”

Alice: “Yes. Proberta is a town…and Gerber is a town nearby…hence, on the Freeway there’s a sign indicating the Proberta Gerber turn off.”

Grimes: “Holly cow! I’ve been on a fool’s errand!”

Alice: “Yeah, I’d say so…either you or the guy writing this story…”

Grimes: “You know… I’ve been played for a sucker. Talking to an imaginary lawyer named Maxwell Williams…I bet there’s a couple of towns named that!

Alice: “Right”.

Grimes: “…and Henley Hornbrook, Adin Lookout, Buttonwillow McKendrick …”

Alice: “Yeah, Buttonwillow and Mckendrick is a turn off on I 5 before you go up the grapevine…”

Grimes:”…and I been looking for people with names like  Almanor West, Mokelumne Hill, Chilcoot-Vinton., Frenchy Gulch, Crescent Mills…and I bet they are all names of towns! Christ on a crutch! I’ve been taken for a sap!”

Alice: “Don’t beat yourself up because you didn’t get it. Plenty of readers didn’t get it either…or, more likely, they didn’t wanna get it. Here, have some sasparilla on the house.”

Grimes: “Well, thanks. But I’ll be moving along. I’ve got one more lead to follow. It’s up the road a piece. Some cowboy named “Red” Bluff says he knows that a country western singer is going to perform next month at the Roundup…and maybe there is a Proberta Gerber after all! See you later, Alice.”

With that, Grimes is out the door and headed north. This story has to end sometime, and next week is as good as any…

OUR STORY SO FAR 13

Country western singer Proberta Gerber is missing, private eye Grimes Arbuckle is on the case and shyster lawyer Maxwell Williams claims to be her attorney of record…but Grimes doubts that record ever sold. As our scene opens, the trail has led to the Iron Horse Pleasure Place, an Indian gaming casino. Grimes is being confronted by a massive Samoan bouncer. Actually, all Samoans are massive, but this one,  Mokelumne Hill is a really big mother!

He speaks. Listen!

Bouncer: “You lookie for girl singer? Don’t know of any by that name. But how you like girl pole dancer. Her name is Almanor West. You likie her? Business kind of slow…maybe get good price for action.”

Grimes: “No, you don’t get it…what was your handle again…Mokelumne? Right, well, Moke, I’m only looking for one canary and that’s Proberta Gerber. I could pay good money for a lead, but if you are stuck on pimping for Ms. West, then…”

Bouncer:  “What do you mean by ‘pimping”, sir? I am an Oxford grad, and do not take kindly to such demeaning descriptions.”

Grimes: “Cut the crap, big fellow! I see you drop the phony south pacific lingo whenever you feel like it. If you have a lead, I’ve got a fiver here for you. If not, I’m out of here and you can go suck a coconut!”

The mass…the big dark fellow gnashes his teeth and appears to be on the verge of mayhem, when he suddenly regains control of himself and says,

Bouncer: ” Well, for a fiver, I will tell you that sources say Ms. Gerber is working her way north, and may have a booking at the up and coming Roundup.”

Grimes: “Hmmm. Roundup. I see. So…she’s traveling on her own volition?”

Bouncer: “I think she is in an 83′ Winnebago, sir…but I did not get the plate number.”

As Grimes ponders this startling development, and digs a new fiver out of his cummerbund, the plot thickens…thicker than yesterday’s tamale pie. Stay tuned as Grimes asks a gas station attendant, “Ever heard of a cowboy  named Bluff? ‘Red’ Bluff?”

OUR STORY SO FAR 6

Proberta Gerber, country western singer and heiress to the Humdinger and Whompdocker Diamond Cartels, is missing. Private Eye Grimes Arbuckle was hired to find her. Shyster lawyer Maxwell Williams claims to be her attorney of record. Grimes is having a cup of Joe at the Bombay Beach Café and chatting up waitress Crescent Mills who was sold into involuntary servitude by her late, but wicked, aunt, Madeline Ravendale. Crescent speaks. Listen!

Crescent:  “So…you’re looking for this Proberta Gerber dame…and she’s a singer, right?”

Grimes: “Right.”

Crescent: “If it was me…and I’m glad that it aint, I’d start looking in bars that have lounges…know what I mean?”

Grimes: “Yeah….such as…?”

Crescent: “Down the road apiece there’s a new fancy Indian gambling place named ‘Desert Shores Casino and Car Wash’.”

Grimes: “Is it in the desert?”

Crescent: “No”.

Grimes: “…then on a sea shore?”

Crescent: “No.”

Grimes: “Then…?”

Crescent: “Beats me. Better ask the tribe.”

Grimes: “And the name of the tribe…?”

Crescent: “The Iron Horse Pleasure Palace….and, I don’t know why they call it that, either.”

Grimes pondered this new information as only a Private Eye can ponder…and then announced, “Hokay, sister…I’m out of here. Thanks for the cup of Joe and the info. Let’s keep in touch. I might need a girl Friday, someday.”

Crescent: “I’m not available on Friday…would Late Wednesday or early Thursday work for you?”
            But Grimes was out the door and into the stormy night, bound and determined to find the songbird Proberta Gerber and claim a hefty reward. As she was reputed to weigh 200 kilos, it would be a hefty reward indeed! Tune in next Friday when a bouncer at the Indian Casino says, ” You want um girl thrush…I got girl thrush for you.  Her name is Almanor. Almanor West. You like?”

OUR STORY SO FAR 27

            If you are not familiar with the cast and the premise, there is little we can do to fill you in except to say that country western singer Proberta Gerber, heiress  to the Whompdocker and the Humdinger Diamonds fortune, is missing and feared kidnapped. Private Eye Grimes Arbuckle has been hired to find her, and sleazy lawyer Maxell Williams claims to be her attorney of record.

            After a contentious confrontation in Williams’ office, Grimes has stormed out past the desk of secretary Adin Lookout and is hell bent to find the last person alleged to have seen the songbird alive, that being one Chilcoot Vinton reputed to be strong as an ox and almost as smart.

            Leaving the office in a 47 Huff, Grimes drives to a convenient bar known as the  “The Bombay Beach Café”, and orders a beer. A comely waitress strikes up a conversation with the handsome fellow. She speaks. Listen!

Waitress: “What’s a nice looking chap like you doing in a place like this?”

Grimes: “Just thirsty, I guess. What’s a good looking dame like you doing in a place like this?”

Waitress: “I have no choice. I was sold into involuntary servitude by a wicked aunt when I was just a child.”

Grimes: “What’s your name, sister?”

Waitress: “Crescent. Crescent Mills…and yours?”

Grimes : “Grimes. Grimes Arbuckle. What was your wicked aunt’s name?”

Crescent: “You’re pretty nosy, fella…”

Grimes: “I’m paid to be nosy. What’s her name?”

Crescent: “Well…I guess it won’t do no harm in tellin’ ya…it’s Madeline Ravendale…but she croaked years ago.”

Grimes: “Sorry to hear that…but if she was wicked, then I guess…but, I digress. Take a look at this photo and tell me if you recognize this woman.”

Crescent:  ”Why…this photo is of the back of a woman’s head!”

            Why would Grimes have a picture of a woman’s head? Was it meant to confuse his new found acquaintance Crescent Mills? Was the negative reversed? Tune in next Friday when the waitress exclaims, “Wait…I recognize that marcelled hair do!”

OUR STORY SO FAR…6

(The cast: Proberta Gerber, missing country western singer; Grimes Arbuckle, private eye; Maxwell Williams, sleazy lawyer; his secretary Adin Lookout ,aka “Peaches”; Buttonwillow “The Button” Mckindrick, rival songbird; Skyway Cummings, former stunt man;  miscellaneous characters.)

As our scene opens, Grimes has burst into the office of sleazy lawyer Williams demanding to know the whereabouts of Proberta Gerber.

Wilmer (aka Henley Hornbrook), the lawyer’s hired gun,, attempted to silence Grimes, but was easily overcome by the private eye, and suffered a bruised ulna for his trouble. Grimes speaks. Listen!

Grimes: “Listen to me, fat man! You wanna get roughed up also…or are you ready to tell me what I want to know?”

Williams: “Har, har…I like your aggressive style, Mr. Arbuckle. It looks as though I should have hired you rather than little Wilmer. At any rate, you want to know what I know about Ms. Gerber. I am her attorney of record, and have assisted her in…in certain matters from time to time. However, I have not seen nor heard from the songbird for several weeks. I fear she may have been kidnapped . She is, after all, heir to the Wompdocker Diamond.”

Grimes: “And the Humdinger Diamond, as well?”

Williams: “That to. The woman is up to her pantaloons in diamonds, and someday will inherit a fortune.  I fear for her life.”

Grimes: “And you also fear of losing such a client…

Williams: “Egad sir, you are a man after my own…”

Grimes: “Let’s cut to the chase. When was the last time you saw her…and who was she with?”

Williams: Let me think. Yes…I believe it was several weeks ago she stopped by my office…and was in the company of a swarthy fellow.”

Grimes: And his name was…?”

Williams: “She introduced him as ‘Chilcoot Vinton’, but he never said a word. I think he was dumb as an ox.”

          Will this Chilcoot person be a lead for our intrepid private eye? Will he lead Grimes to the whereabouts of the songbird? Tune in next time when

Peaches, the lawyer’s secretary, asks, “How do you spell Winnemucca?”

OUR STORY SO FAR…6

(The cast: Proberta Gerber, missing country western singer; Grimes Arbuckle, private eye; Maxwell Williams, sleazy lawyer; his secretary Adin Lookout ,aka “Peaches”;Buttonwillow “The Button” Mckindrick, rival songbird; Skyway Cummings, former stunt man;  miscellaneous characters.)

As our scene opens, Grimes has burst into the office of sleazy lawyer Maxwell Williams and is speaking in a controlled but forceful manner. Listen!

Grimes: “Aw right, fat man; I asks questions and  you give answers.  Where is Proberta Gerber… and what have you done to her?”

“Watch your mouth, shamus!”

Grimes turns at the sound and sees someone in a ratty topcoat sitting hunched over in the corner.

“Whose this?” asks Grimes.

“Har, har,” says the lawyer. “Let me introduce you to Henley Hornbrook.

I call him “Wilmer”. He is my, uh, bodyguard.”

“Well then tell your gunzel to keep his mouth shut…I don’t need any

two bit punk getting in my way!”

The gunzel quickly springs to his feet and advances toward Grimes snarling “Why you…!” However, Grimes decks him with one blow sending him

Crashing to the floor and fracturing his ulna in the process. The gunzel tries for his gun but Grimes steps on his wrist causing the hired gun to writh in pain.

“Gentlemen! Gentlemen! No need for fisticuffs. We can settle this in a

Non-combative mode. Wilma, get back in your chair until…”

“That’s ‘Wilmer”, the gunzel yells. “I ain’t no Wilma!”

As the curtain falls on today’s miniature soap opera, Grimes Arbuckle stands menacingly over lawyer Williams’ desk, Henley Hornbrook, alias Wilmer, nurses his aching ulna and Peaches, the secretary in the outer office, has the inter-com machine on and is furiously writing down the conversations.

OUR STORY SO FAR…6

(The cast: Proberta Gerber, missing country western singer; Grimes Arbuckle, private eye; Maxwell Williams, sleazy lawyer; Buttonwillow “The Button” Mckindrick, rival songbird; Skyway Cummings, former stunt man;  miscellaneous characters.)

As our scene opens, Grimes Arbuckle is in the outer office of Maxwell Williams. Williams’ secretary speaks. Listen!

 ”Yes sir…may I do something for you?”

Grimes: “What did you have in mind?”

The comely secretary blushes. “Well…I mean…whom did you wish to see? Do you have an appointment?”

Grimes: “No…no appointment. What’s your name, sweetheart?”

Secretary: “Adin Lookout…but my friends call me ‘Peaches’”

Grimes: Nice name, sweetheart…but I’m here to see the fat man.”

Adin: “I’m afraid that’s impossible. Mr. Williams gave orders…”

Grimes: “I think he will see me. Tell him it’s about Proberta.”

Adin: “Proberta?”

Grimes: “Gerber. Proberta Gerber.”

Adin: Hmmmm. That name sounds familiar. Does she have a sister?”

Grimes: Yeah…her sister’s name is Sue.”

Adin: “Sue?”

Grimes: “Si.”

Adin: Where does Sue live?”

Grimes: “By the seashore…but cut the crap, Peaches…I’m gonna see the fat man…now!”

The P.I. vaults a low railing and bursts into the lawyer’s office.

Williams: “What is it? What do you want? I’m a busy man. You need a…

Grimes: “I don’t need diddle squat. I’m here about Proberta Gerber…and I’m not leaving until I get some answers!”

Williams: “Ahah! By gad, sir, I like a man who comes right to the point. Your name?”

Grimes: My name is bad news. You know who I am and I know who you are. Let’s cut to the chase and talk turkey!”

          Will the fat man reply “Gobble, gobble”? Will there be a scene ending in an unpleasantness? Tune in again next Friday when Peaches says, “You want fries with that?”