TIME magazine reports Sweden has no gender discrimination…that men and women live as equals. In other countries, however, 12,000 women responded to a recent personal questionnaire with startling results. “Globally, 38 % of men do not do chores…and 30% of American women who are married do not intend to be with the man they are with five years from now.” The moral to the statistics is that if you want your current spouse for a protracted stay, you better start taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn. Of course, if you live in New York, it may be too late. “New York women have enormous issues with money and are more likely to get divorced…and only 17 % rate themselves highly satisfied with their sex lives compared to 25% globally.”

Apparently the deck is stacked against the males, and those, recently single, might consider an investment in a pet… or a nice fern.

* * * * * *

Sources say Afro Americans excel in sports such as football, basketball, and field and track…but participate very little in skiing, swimming and, surprisingly in baseball, where players from the Caribbean basin predominate. Not much to do about correcting this imbalance, but you might consider giving a baseball and glove to some dark skinned youngster this Xmas… to show him the money, you know.

* * * * **

Just what I’ve been trying to tell you department:

Author Nicholas Wade writes in his book “How Religion Evolved and Why It Has Endured”, that early hunter-gatherers needed to subordinate self-interest to the will of the group in order to survive, and “the solution that evolved was religious behavior. Ritual chants and dances fostered kinship and inspired tribes to battle outside threats. As language developed, people ascribed their good

fortune to the supernatural, and efforts to please a deity later kept order in nascent civil societies. As our ancestors learned to read, they wrote sacred texts; as they created social hierarchies, they introduced priests. Religious fervor has dwindled of late because Judaism, Christianity and Islam have failed to keep pace with human knowledge. For faith to survive, religions must adapt.

Alrighty…let us see it that will work.

* * * * * *

Last week’s quiz was answered correctly by the terrific trio of L. Merry , L Brown and W.B. Kelsey who reported that the inkblot test is known as the Rorschach, Chicago Cubs Pitcher Charlie Root went down in the history books by throwing a ball to Babe Ruth who gestured what he was going to do with it, and Rosemary’s Baby was named Adrian.

This week’s quiz: “Railroad Crossing. Look out for the cars. Can you spell that without the letter ‘r’?” “Fools names and fools faces, always appear_____” where? And “How much wood could a woodchuck, chuck…if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” If you can’t answer these questions, ask the board of Supervisors. They appear to know all the answers.

• * * * * *

A middle aged man, returning to the fold and the confessional after many years, was astounded to note the enclosure was equipped with a T.V. ,wet bar and sauna. He whispered to the priest, “Wow… the booth didn’t have these amenities when I was a boy.

The priest hissed back, “Get out of my booth…you’re on the wrong side!”

* * * *

(To respond to this website: rminchandmurray@hotmail.com)

Author Michael Korda, in his book “Country Matters”, describes in hilarious detail his transformation from a city slicker to a country squire in upstate New York.  As he and his wife are beset with their many problems of keeping up and restoring a 300 year old house, he laments the passing of the old time conventional hardware store. I do the same when remembering the Lyon & Garrett Store at 714 Main Street in Red Bluff.

I have in hand a brochure describing the liquidation sale of this historic business which first began in 1883 with the partnership of Darwin B. Lyon and a Mr. Garrett.  It is not dated but S. Sherman says it closed on 12 July 1982, being nearly 100 years old.

I grew up fascinated with the old store. On hot summer days when the Lincoln Street Elementary School was closed for the term, I would stroll the aisles, with a chocolate milkshake in hand, and marvel at the vast array of items for sale. Not only were the aisles chock full of tools for home and farm, but the walls were lined with shelving which extended from floor to the high ceilings storing metal buckets and bins and containers for home and barn in the old days. A tall ladder on wheels ran along the surface of the shelving to gain access to items on display.

The building measured 50 foot wide and extended all the way to the alley with a Loading dock, plus a full basement and a 3 story warehouse just across the alley where Dick Dagen and others kept parts and equipment for repair of water well pumps and God knows what else.

The basement was a full basement and carting overstocked or seasonal items must have been a chore. However, the rope and cable supplies were in easier reach because they were kept in neat coils in the basement and were snaked upwards through holes in the main floor. All a clerk had to do was give a pull on the rope or cable to extend it to the customer’s desired length, and then cut and tape the ends so they did not fray.

They eventually displayed refrigerators and other appliance but they were of no interest to me at the time, being content just to view the nuts and bolts, hunting and fishing equipment, knives, compasses, canteens, pulleys, hammers and saws that made it a true hardware store in that sense of the word.

We won’t see the likes of Lyon & Garrett again, which is a pity.

This is the start of another series of my articles which will appear every day except Saturday next to the Daily Livestock Market Report.

I will use this space as an advertizing medium to acquaint you with the workings and needs of our various diversified businesses. The advertizing will be interspersed with my comments on happenings of the day and comments on our recent trip to Mexico. Whenever my comments do not agree with history or your established ideas, you will be at liberty to believe whichever you wish. I don’t care whether you agree with me or not, but I hope you will read the articles and be entertained by some of them.

The following letter just received is, I believe, typical of the average  American boy. I am very proud of my brother Everett who wrote it. When he was drafted six months ago, he gave up a job paying him 10 times what the army pays him. He had just bought a new car and was starting to buy a house. He had every reason to wish to continue staying here. He is over 28 years old and had expected he would soon be released. He knows now that he will not be.

In spite of the above, he has never by word or letter ever taken any attitude except that he owed it to his country to do as they wished in this emergency, and to do it willing.

I won’t quote his long letter at this time, except for his concluding paragraph: “Most of the fellows want to get across the pond and get it over with. They think they will go over sooner or later and want it to be sooner.”

Dave Minch 1900-1964

(Editor’s note: He did go overseas, but was killed in the Battle of The Bulge several years later)

Here is more Gunga Din then you may have bargained for…

It was “Din! Din! Din!

You earthin, where the mischief ‘ave you been?

You put some juldee in it

Or I’ll marrow you this minute

If you don’t fill up my helmet, Gunga Din!”

‘E would dot an’ carry one

Till the longest day was done,

An ‘e didn’t seem to know the use o’ fear.

If we charged or broke or cut,

You could bet your bloomin’ nut,

‘E’d be waitin’ fifty paces right flank rear.

With ‘is mussick on ‘is back,

‘E would skip with our attack,

An’ watch us till the bugles made “Retire.”

An for all ‘is dirty ‘ide

E’was white, clear white, inside

When ‘e went to tend the wounded under fire!

It was :Din! Din! Din!”

With the bullets kickin’ dust spots on the green.

When the cartridges ran out,

You could ‘ear the front-files shout:    “Hi! Ammunition-mules an’ Gunga Din!”   (… more to come)

The words “assume” and “presume” appear to have similar meaning. Both mean “take for granted”. However “assume” means to put on, to undertake, to invest oneself, adopt…whereas “presume” means to act over confidently, to take liberties, to take unwarranted advantage. So what?

Well, in these uncertain times, some folks in a financial bind may assume that people with whom they do business, who have multiple commercial properties, have unlimited resources to carry them over tough times. This is not always the case. Commercial property people may have cash flow problems when they experience excessive vacancies. They might feel fortunate to have government agencies as tenants…only to have the State, without a budget, withhold rent payments.  The State, to help balance its budget, has asked landlords to grant them a temporary rent reduction. They want the State to stick around, so landlords reluctantly agree to take less rent.

One might think this climate would be a bonanza for attorneys, yet I see they are starting to advertize for clients.

* * * * **

My sister, L. Smith of Redding, sent me, years ago, the following obituary: “SMITH. Tittie Smith, 85, of Redding, died Thursday at Redding Medical Center etc.” Sister says, Mrs. Smith’s (no relation) first name was actually “Tillie”, but she would have gotten a big laugh if she had known of the typo.

* * * * *

Why is it that play by play announcers in baseball refer to players by their last names…”Bonds hits a  splash home run…”while their football counterparts refer to players by their full names. John Madden may have started it, but they all do it today. “Peyton Manning takes a three step drop and…”?

* * * * * * *

If you are thinking of a vocational switch to the priesthood, you might get your robe and miter more quickly by going to Romania. The archbishop thereof, was captured on tape selling such titles. I don’t know how much the job pays, but unlike the local marijuana issue, it is still legal to dispense religion to the masses right here in river city.

And speaking of laughing tobacco and religion, a church of sorts in Redding, called “Fishes and Loaves” seeks donations of food for the needy. However, they declined offers of cannabis from a local medical dispensary saying it was not an appropriate donation. The stuff is probably effective in alleviating hunger pains, so what’s not to like about the weed?

* * * * *

Whereas the Tremont Café & Creamery at 731 Main is now open for business, a grand opening is anticipated shortly. Expectations are high for great food at reasonable prices.

* * * * *

Last week’s quiz developed a lot of flack aimed at the quizmaster. R. Ramsey, J. Angelo and L. Brown submitted answers at odds with mine. We asked to name the sport in which the winner is unknown to viewers and participants alike until the votes are counted. I said boxing; others said diving or other sports which require a tally. In naming the only vegetable sold in markets “as is”, my source said lettuce, others said ear corn, asparagus and rhubarb. But everyone got it right about the fruit that has its seeds on the outside. The strawberry.

This week’s quiz: What is the correct name of the inkblot psychological test, what did Chicago Cubs pitcher Charlie Root do, and what was the name of Rosemary’s baby?

• * * * ** *

An insensitive receptionist at a urological clinic, announced loudly within the hearing of other patients, “Ah…I see, Mr. Smith, you are here to see the doctor about your impotency, right?” Mr. Smith’s face reddened.

As the other patients snapped their heads around, Mr. Smith recovered quickly from his embarrassment, and replied, “No, I’ve come to inquire about a sex change operation…but I don’t want the same doctor that did yours.”

(To respond to this website: rminchandmurray@hotmail.com )

As I drove in from our meat plant last week, I saw a sight that would have affected many of you. It was around 2:30 in the afternoon and the smaller children were out of school. The Dog Catcher had parked his truck directly in front of the Bidwell School. His pickup, with wire sides, was full of dogs crying piteously to be released. Possibly 30 small children surrounded them, looking at the condemned prisoners and knowing they were helpless to do anything about it. Some of the children were crying, and as I drove slowly away, I have never observed a longer faced and sadder lot of children.

* * * * *

Our City government was complimented considerably when 10 men of high caliber offered to fill the vacancy caused by Mr. Grootveld’s being elevated to County Supervisor. The selection of Mr. Dietz is a very good one. Added to the four other Trustees, we will have a very good board.

* * * * * *

Last week our Sheriff personally went back to Louisiana to pick up a check forger. When he got there, the Parish submitted a board bill for $100.00 to be paid before releasing the prisoner. All the money that it cost the County to return the prisoner would have been paid back by the State of California if we had had to extradite the prisoner. But when he came back voluntarily, the State paid nothing.

* * * *

I refused to sign a local referendum petition the other night, the object being to legislate saloons out of Red Bluff. I am absolutely against alcoholic liquor of any kind and do not even like the men working for me to use it. But I have seen one experiment with legislated prohibition and know that it will not work until children are educated to know the real harm that it does in later life. When people are educated sufficiently not to want it, there will be no need for a law against it.*

Dave Minch 1900-1964

*I wonder what father would have thought about the local prohibition of marijuana

Last week we wrote of super salesmen. Homer Angelich was one, but he has long gone to his reward. Another is Bob Kelley, who is very much alive and living in retirement north of town as a robust 87 year old.

Bob became a salesman in 1953 with Swift & Co when they were the  number one meat company in the U.S. His territory was the Sacramento Valley which he covered like a sponge. He was so good at his trade, he was entrusted by institutions and hospitals to replace their meat inventories without consulting their buying departments. He stayed with the company for over 14 years and was so well thought of by the huge firm that they gave him an all expense trip to the New York World’s Fair in 1964, and was offered a position in their Chicago headquarters, which he declined, preferring to work in California. In 1969 he went to work for Del Pero Mondon in Yuba City, the leading meat purveyor in Northern California. The old expression “He could sell ice to an Eskimo” was tailor made for Bob Kelley.

Enhancing his salesmanship, was his ability as a raconteur with nearly total recall, of  his early days in the shipyards of Portland, Oregon, to his World War II exploits as 1^st Pilot on a B17 bomber which was shot down over France. Bob was able to evade German soldiers until the Lorraine area was liberated. He was fortunate to have reached the ground in one piece, for his chute failed to open and he had to tear the pack apart to make the canopy deploy!

What differentiated this super salesman from his run of the mill brethren was his enthusiasm. He would enter his client’s shop full of vim and vigor, and when he departed, he would have often instilled in them that same energy.

Thanks to two total knee replacements, he has kept up his old pace, and even went to college at 70 for a bit of self improvement. Today he appears able to step into his super salesman’s shoes once again, if the need arose.

Quite a guy, that Bob Kelley.

People who hate poetry love Rudyard Kipling…or should. For example take this his splendid poem titled Gunga Din.

“You may talk o’ gin an’ beer

When you’re quartered safe out ‘ere,

And you’re sent to penny fights n’ Aldershot it;

But if it comes to slaughter

You do your work on water,

An’ you’ll lick the bloomin’ boots of ‘im that’s got it.

Now in Injia’s sunny clime,

Where I used to spend my time

Servin’ of ‘Er Majesty the Queen,

Of all them black-faced crew

The finest man I knew

Was our regimental bhisti, Gunga Din.

It  was “Din! Din! Din!

You limping lump o’ brick-dust, Gunga din!

Hi! Slippy hitherao!

Water, get it! Hanee lao!

You squidgy-nosed old idol, Gunga Din!”

Let us pause at this point and realize many of these words are meaningless to us, but the rhyme and meter is intoxicating.  Let’s go another stanza:

“The uniform ‘e wore

Was nothin’much before,

And rather less than ‘arf o’ that be’ind,

For a twisty piece of rag

An’ a goatskin water bag

Was all the field equipment ‘e could find.

When the sweatin’ troop-train lay

In a sidin’ through the day,

Where the ‘eat would make your bloomin’ eye-brows crawl,

We shouted “Harry By!”

Till our throats were brick-dry,

Then we wopped ‘im ‘cause e’ couldn’t serve us all.”

Great stuff, Rudyard. More of the same next week.

No longer content to sit and read a book, I listen to Books on Tape as I go to and fro to the salt mines each day. Perhaps I have mentioned this before.

I am currently listening to a Book on Tape, written and narrated by Alec Guinness. He has a marvelous speaking voice you know, and a great, yet subtle British wit. Commenting on the tendency to slather makeup on actors in film and on television, he wrote, “It is always a mistake to let the makeup department have a field day. However, now days, it’s the actors who look real. But the newscasters and politicians who are plastered an inch thick with artificial suntan as though they had momentarily left their skis outside the studio.”

* * * * * * *

Sources say several sports entities have either actively encouraged or outright ordered their athletes to ditch that time tested, germ infested ritual, the handshake before or after the game. This, of course, in order to prevent the spread of swine flu. With this in mind, and transmitting their  edict down to our local business level, we have printed out, in large type, the following  message now prominently positioned on my office desk at 760 Main Street: “MAY WE REFRAIN FROM SHAKING HANDS DURING THE FLU SEASON?” The response has been spotty, at best. Young people seldom extend their hand. Older folks do this from habit, so I have to point to the sign, they read it, smile and withdraw their hand. This reminds me of a Victor Borge retrospect during a PBS fund drive. In one of his set pieces, he presents an attractive and beautifully gowned soprano wearing long white gloves. As she stands in preparation for her aria, she inadvertently places a hand on the side of the piano. Borge immediately jumps up and waves her hand away with the caution, “Don’t touch my piano.” She heeds his admonition, but of course forgets, and he has to remind her again and again. It is a delightful running joke.

And so it goes with the handshake routine. People initially heed  the sign, but when leaving often extend their hand…at which time I point to the sign, wag my finger and mouth, “No, no.”. I guess you have to be there.

* * * * **

TIME magazine writes, “Gelato is the ultimate refinement of a Mediterranean flavored -ice-tradition that supposedly dates back to the ancient Egyptians.” And the article goes on to report that in Bologna, Italy, there is now a school teaching the correct making of the stuff. “Carpigiani Gelato University teaches students how to turn sacks of sugar and crates of

oranges, kiwis, lemons and persimmons into spoonfuls for earthly bliss”.  Sounds like a winner concoction, but it may not be a profitable venture for everyone.

By the way, sources say the Tremont Café & Creamery at 731 Main, is now open.

* * * * *

If you can’t get a job, join the army, right? Not exactly. 75% of Americans, 17 to 24 years of age, can’t enlist in the military mostly because they don’t have a high school diploma, do have a criminal record…or are physically unfit. Tsk, tsk.

* * * * *

Last week’s quiz was answered correctly by J. Angelo.  Placebo, in Latin, means “I will please you”, Nocebo means “I will harm you”, and that Arachne was turned into a spider when she beat Athena in a weaving contest. J. Angelo asked some  questions of his own for next week’s quiz: Name the sport in which the winner is unknown to participants and viewers until it is ended, name the only vegetable that is sold “as is” in markets without further enhancement or processing…and what fruit has its seeds on the outside rather than inside?

* * * * * **

W.B. Kelsey suggests that the economy is so bad, he received a pre-declined credit card in the mail, that a kid behind the counter in Burger King asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”, CEOs are now playing miniature golf, and if the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient funds” you should call them and ask if they meant you or them.

* * * * * * **

A woman was walking along the street in front of a pet store, when a parrot in the window squawked, “Hey lady…you’re ugly.” The woman ignored the remark, but the following day, walking again in front of the pet store, the parrot again yelled out, “Oh lady…you’re ugly.” Now, thoroughly irritated, the woman accosted the store owner and threatened to sue him if the parrot continued to abuse her. The owner promised faithfully the bird wouldn’t do it again.

The following day, she walked past the store and the parrot called out, “Hey, Lady!” The woman turned around, glared at the bird, and said, “Yes?”

The parrot replied, “You know.”

(To respond to this website: rminchandmurray@hotmail.com)

A new business is about to be born in Red Bluff as a result of the meat shortage. It is born of necessity and I’m uncertain as to its destiny or length of life, but I rather think that it will be extremely successful for the duration of the war.

The business will be the slaughter of horses under inspection for human consumption. We will use a new building constructed for that purpose and the business will be conducted separately from our other interests. It will operate under State inspection while Minch’s Wholesale Meats will continue to operate under Federal jurisdiction. The meat will not be offered for sale locally but will be sold exclusively in the thickly populated areas of the state.

We will be in the market for horses, in small or large numbers and will endeavor to sell tender horse meat. Some shudder at the thought of eating horse meat, but the same people eat chickens and hogs, neither of which are exactly delicate in their choice of what they eat.

(Editor’s note: Only seven horses were slaughtered, at which time Dave decided it was not a good idea, and shut down the new plant for good.)

* * * * * * *

Last night was one of those times that happen occasionally in all families. It started out peacefully enough. We had some plain cranberry beans for supper the night before and they were really swell. But, unfortunately, Evelyn read one of those recipes in Ladies Home Journal where you start with a dish of beans and add tomato soup, cauliflower, sliced onions, frankfurters with the skins on them, etc. until, when you take the results out of the oven steaming hot, it will make a dish that all the family will love.

But we didn’t…and made the mistake of saying so.

Dave Minch 1900- 1964